we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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