Don't make out with my wife yet
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
