I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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