just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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