they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
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