There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
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