Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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