fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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