I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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