I only kidnapped one of them. chill
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
