do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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