i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize