I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
