I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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