btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
