My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You are the jesus of drinking
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
