Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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