dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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