I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
