i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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