if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
