I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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