Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Randomize
