I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
