i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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