Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
thus making me awesome and them whores
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
