Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
