I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Randomize
