Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
she peed on how many people?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
