I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
