yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
