My friends, they love my intelligence
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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