I wish my penis had an off switch
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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