got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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