I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize