Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
