What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
