I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
