dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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