When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
there is glitter all over my balls
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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