Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
