we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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