Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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