First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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