This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
