Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
