RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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