Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
