Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
