batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Randomize
