Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
so let's talk penis.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
