Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Randomize
