ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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