I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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