I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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