Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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