when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
