I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
