I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
