Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
